Your Bartender Just Isn't That Into You

It’s so strange when I stop and think about how many times a guy I barely know throws, literally throws, his number at me from across the bar. It’s not that I’m drop dead gorgeous, I’ve been described as having a “girl next door” look, it’s that men have a strange attraction to bartenders and waitresses. I spoke to a few servers I know, as well as some guys who frequent bars, in an attempt to shed a little light on this shady corner of the bar industry.
Some Toronto bartenders say sexual harassment, unwanted attention from customers and inappropriate behaviour, which sometimes develops into stalking, is just part of the job.
Danielle Todd, 27, studying political has worked in six bars over the last seven years and has a very good understanding of the industry and its hazards. When she worked at the Peel Pub she had a very unpleasant experience. While balancing a full tray of drinks in one hand and carrying a pitcher of beer in the other hand, she walked past a group of young men playing foosball. One of the men thought it perfectly appropriate to shove his hand down the front of her shirt and grabbed her.
What fun! Todd had the bouncers remove the offender, but says actions like that are bound to happen.
“Traditionally, it’s just one of those jobs that women are associated with, like bar serving wenches,” she says. “It’s a sexist mentality.”
One of Todd’s customers routinely showed up outside of her bedroom throwing rocks at her window at 4 in the morning.
“He knew where I worked,” she says. “He knew when I left. He knew what hours I worked.”
Standing behind the bar on a Sunday afternoon, things aren’t too busy and Todd smiles easily. As one customer walks into the bar, looks around and quickly leaves, her face darkens slightly.
“I can’t believe he came in,” she says. “He’s banned.”
The man who walked in is banned for good reason. He is harassing Todd’s fellow bartender, Margaret Debellis.
Debellis, 24, is studying business finance. Talking to her is like talking to a wise grandmother (although much younger and prettier). She is full of kind advice and offers herbal remedies for any ailment. It is easy to see how a customer might misconstrue her actions for something more.
Debellis met “Jay” (not his real name) at school where he asked her to help him with his portfolio. Things quickly got out of hand when Jay started coming to the bar with gifts for Debellis almost every night. He bothered other bar staff about her and called her all the time.
“He would leave messages saying, ‘I love you and I know you love me too.’ Or, ‘good morning my love. Good night my love. You’re my one true love,’” she says.
Jay has been banned from the bar, but still comes in asking for Debellis.
“Jay is my worst case,” she says. “He hasn’t stopped coming in despite being told he is banned from the bar. And he threatened Jill today.”
Debellis says she and other bar staff are diligent in telling Jay to leave when he comes in. She is careful when talking to Jay, saying, “We know there is something not right psychologically with him.”
Not every man who asks a bartender on a date is “not right.” Johnny Campbell is a musician. As the lead singer of his band Johnny and The Screaming Demons, he sees a commonality between bartenders and musicians.
“The thing about bartenders and musicians is that we are professional flirts,” he says.
Bartenders make most of their money from tips, and it is generally understood that the nicer the bartender, the better the tip. It works the other way too. The better the tip, the better the service. Todd thinks this is lost on some customers.
“You have to put on that show and people don’t realize that,” she says. “Why do you think so many actors are servers as well?”
Bryant Telfer, a writer and bar patron thinks men often act inappropriately towards bartenders because they think it is acceptable.
“There is an entitlement factor,” he says. “People are having their every need catered to. (Customers) think you are interested because (bartenders) ask how they’re doing and give them an extra drink.”
Debellis echoes this idea.
“I think that when you give a guy a lot of attention they haven't experienced before, they think, ‘oh my god this girl really likes me,’” she says. “But we are just really outgoing and free-spirited and they don't understand that.”
Telfer admits he asked bartenders out for dates in the past.
“It’s wish fulfillment,” he says. “You get a couple of drinks in you and things look differently. You think, ‘wow she does like me,’ when she asks how things are going.”
Telfer doesn’t recommend asking bartenders out, saying once you do, things get “awkward.”
For Katie McClaine things have been awkward between her and one customer from Toronto to Vancouver and back again; this excessive behaviour started the same way Todd’s and Debellis’ situations started - at work.
“She started coming there all the time and followed me from each bar that I worked at,” she says. “She sent me letters and gifts when I moved to Vancouver.”
McClaine describes this excessive behaviour with a smile, but she is clearly disturbed by it - especially the attention paid to her garbage.
For example, ‘Stacey’ (name changed) has McClaines ruined bike,“Hanging in her loft as art.”
Bartenders do whatever they can to deal with excessively attentive and aggressive customers.
Todd tells people she has a boyfriend, “Even though I don’t.”
“I’m rude sometimes, and I flat out ignore people,” she says.
Debellis says she “learned a very important lesson.” Adding, “Never give out your number and tell people when you are leaving work.”
Stacy isn’t banned from any of the bars McClaine worked at. She says that it doesn't make a difference.
“They are going to come in and you’re stuck there. You’re working, you have to be nice to them and you kinda have to talk to them,” she says. “Certain times the security will ask if you want to kick them out or ban that person. And you have to think about that. If I do that, is it going to have a negative effect on the bar? So I never bothered with that and I just suck it up.”